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Filtering by Tag: love

Set Free

Roni Delmonico

Remembering...

And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
— John 8:32
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Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
— Oscar Wilde

He stood at the door to her cell quietly, willing her to look at him.  It was cold in the room and she was shivering, the blanket beside her still folded neatly on the bed, untouched.  The thin mattress was covered in plastic and it rustled slightly as she shifted her weight.  His heart went out to her but he hadn't been invited in, so he remained outside.

She looked up at the small square window above her head and he could see the tracks of her tears glistening in the single ray of sunlight illuminating her face.  Her hands were clasped in her lap and her lips moved in silent prayer.  Her shame was palpable.  But to him... she was beautiful and precious beyond measure.  He would stay as long as he needed to. Until she was free.

He sat down against the far wall, his back against the cold concrete and remembered the day she was born.  All the plans he had for her, the gifts he had bestowed upon her, the times he had whispered to her in the dark and held her when she was afraid came back to him, each one a part of who she was, who he was.  She would grow up and forget... but he... he would always remember.  That's what love does.  It remembers the song long after the song is forgotten.

Days turned to weeks, and then weeks into years.  Seasons changed from winter to spring and then started all over again. He visited her every single day, often leaving a gift behind, some small token of his affection for her.  She eventually found her rhythm and she did the work expected of her; no more, no less.  Once in awhile, she would stare up at the stars through the window in her room and wonder if she'd ever be free.

As she drifted off to sleep, the lights on the cell block winked off one by one and he knelt beside her bed, praying for her. It was midnight and she opened her eyes.  Sitting up, she saw the door to her cell was open and in confusion, she stood in the space and peered down the corridor. Every one of the doors on the block was open, as far down the hallway as she could see.  He was standing in the light at the end, holding his hand out to her, a genuine smile on his face.  

She ran to him then, shouting for joy.  It had been so long!  Her cries woke many others, who found that their doors were open as well.  When she reached him, she threw herself into his arms and said, "Where were you?  Why didn't you come when I called?"

He gathered her close and said softly to all of them, "You are free to go.  All you ever needed to do... was believe it and walk out."  

Several called him crazy and said they'd only be caught and returned to the prison.  They turned away from him sadly and went back to their cells, closing the door behind them, and listening as the locks clicked shut.  But she held tight to his hand, and made the choice to follow him out.  

The next evening she returned and stood outside her old prison cell.  It was occupied even though the door to the cell was still open.  She sat down against the far wall, her back against the cold concrete and remembered the day he was born.  All the plans she had for him, the gifts she had bestowed upon him, the times she had whispered to him in the dark and held him when he was afraid came back to her, each one a part of who he was, who she was.  He would grow up and forget... but she... she would always remember.  That's what love does.  It remembers the song long after the song is forgotten. 

She would stay as long as she needed to.  Until he was free.

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When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner.”
Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.”
“Tell me, teacher,” he said.
“Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?”
Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?”
Jesus said to the woman, Your faith has saved you; go in peace.
— Luke 7:36-50

On Roots and Wings

Roni Delmonico

He's my firstborn and he taught me all that I need to know about motherhood... 
- Everything will be alright if you just love me where I'm at. I promise.

- I will forgive you every mistake in the end because I know that you do, in the deepest part of me. You're my mom.

- I will stretch your patience, your knowledge, your ability to exist on little to no sleep... but your heart will be bigger for it.

- I will teach you to be unselfish most of the time, and to be sad when you choose selfishness.

- I will make you laugh when you want to cry and cry tears of joy.

-I will show you how to let go, many times through the years but I'll do it as gently as I can.

- I will forget you sometimes and hurt your heart with words and you will do the same. So I will teach you to forgive, 70 x 7, always.

- I will show you how to step out of your protective shell of perfection and be the mom with the messy house and the messy hair once in awhile and be perfectly comfortable with that.

- I will bring you more kids to love and fill your home with people, just like you always wanted and I will do it again and again, because I see how happy it makes you.

- I will teach you, just as my grandfather has... the meaning of unconditional love and acceptance.

- I will make you an even better mother to my brothers because of all we have learned together first.

- I will teach you that it's a good idea to quit forgetting where you put your phone.;-)

- I will help you step out of your own comfort zone.

and most of all...
- I will teach you how God feels about you... mom. Because that kind of love comes straight from His heart to yours.

Facts So Romantic

Roni Delmonico

Reality provides us with facts so romantic that imagination itself could add nothing to them.
— Jules Verne

I might just beg to differ, dear Mr. Verne.  But I will do it with tongue in cheek and a light hearted grin, since you are a poet and I am a dreamer.  But ahhh, are they not one and the same?:)

If you asked me who I'd like to have dinner with that I have never met... it would definitely be Bruce Lipton. I SO dig these scientific minds.  Which moment... which reality are YOU in?  Bathe me in quantum weirdness.  I just can't get enough!  I think some of the finest minds in the world, are those that blend science and art nearly seamlessly. 

Children of the Day

Roni Delmonico

I still remember the night I stood here watching the sun paint all those glorious colors into the sky.  It was breathtaking and I felt such peace.  I was holding my flip flops and my sweater in my hand, digging my toes into the soft, cold sand.  It was one of those perfect moments of just being, where there was no need for talk. Such a little oasis in the center of a crazy busy place, where entertainment can be found around every corner, in every nook and cranny, and long past daylight.  And yet it was here.. where I wanted to be. In this quiet place full of waning light and color. That is so representative of my being.  Of who I am at the core.  I find solace in solitude. I need it, in order to function in any kind of healthy fashion.  But I am coming to understand that there is a very fine line between seeking solitude in order to recharge and reconnect more meaningfully, and self imposed isolation whose only design is to separate. One is full of light and peace.  The other is wretchedly dark and dismal.

I received two letters this week from women I have come to deeply respect and admire.  It's ironic you know.. After a very frustrating couple of months, in my anger, I had just finished telling someone that Christians (myself included) are some of the most self absorbed, miserable people I know.  How incredibly self centered (and totally wrong) that was.  Those letters were proof and they were a balm to my heart.  I'm quoting the last words of one here, not only out of respect for the woman who spoke it, but so that I will remember them, later this year, when I will undoubtedly need them again.  

Religion will fail you, people will fail you, but God won’t. There have been plenty of times I have thought that He has forgotten me only to lift me up higher than I thought I could go. I get tired and want to give up but then I think of that story of the Footsteps and know He is carrying me when I can’t do it myself. ...please don’t let.. this world dim that wonderful free spirit of yours. ..I do hope you know that you are not alone.
— Elizabeth Smith

You know what?  I do know that.  Because there are a few of you out there, who continue to remind me that there is kindness and goodness yet in the world, if I will only take my eyes off myself and turn them outward and upward.  I guess this is just my way of retracting some hastily spoken, selfish words and replacing them with something more beautiful.  And it is my way of saying thank you to every one of you (and you know who you are) who have reached out to me in friendship this past year and said in your own precious ways... "We're not letting go." You've taught me more about unconditional love and faithfulness than I could ever.. have imagined.

Thirty One Flavors

Roni Delmonico

When I was eighteen, I lived with my dad in a little apartment in Southern California.  I have a lot of memories of that time with him, and each of them is a jewel I keep deep inside me in that space for all my most precious things.  I called him one morning freaking out and he couldn't understand a word I was saying so he rushed home and found me in the kitchen with his welding mask, gloves, boots and pants on holding them up with one hand and wielding a spatula in the other. I was screeching something about cockroaches and smacking them with my very ineffective weapon while trying to make sure I didn't have any exposed skin in case one decided to jump up and bite me. I've never seen him laugh so hard in my life.  Turns out they were only little crickets and dad took care of them in short order while I sheepishly returned his welding gear to its proper place.  He still loves to tell that story.

We lived on the second floor of the apartment building and I sometimes did the shopping and cooking.  I think that's when I really began to learn what foods I personally preferred and which ones I didn't because I had a lot of freedom to choose. My parents had recently divorced and my brothers and sister lived with my mom. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of several years so I think we just kind of understood where the other was at.  He turned his walk in closet, into a "prayer closet" and he kept his piano and guitar and all of his music in there and I would lay in bed at night with my window open listening to the sound of his voice singing softly to me from behind his closed door mixed with the traffic noise from the freeway outside.  It was actually a beautiful way to fall asleep.  We had a Christmas tree covered in tiny blue lights and silver tinsel because he loved to decorate it that way and I could see it from my bed.  I still smile when I see a blue tree, which isn't very often.:) We had this crazy siamese cat who would run around the apartment and claw his way up the drapes until he reached the top and then throw himself off like a kamikaze.  I thought it was pretty funny but I don't think dad did.  

Sometimes, on the weekend we'd head down the street to Baskin Robbins Ice Cream shop where they had 31 flavors to choose from but we always chose the exact same thing. Dad liked banana splits with hot fudge and I always ordered a Pralines and Cream ice cream cone. It didn't really matter to me what we were eating.  The best part was that we'd take it outside to a bench and then just talk to each other in the sunshine.  I tried to eat mine really slow.  I treasured that time with him so much.  It was relaxed and special and I never had to be anything but me.  Every once in awhile we'd switch it up and head to the Thrifty Drugstore. They didn't have as many flavors but they scooped out their ice cream with these funny cylindrical scoopers so it came out looking like a short tube.  You could get 3 scoops for a dollar back then but I usually opted for just two.

Over the years, dad developed a lactose intolerance and now he can't eat dairy without some uncomfortable consequences.  But he's coming to visit me in a few weeks and I've been experimenting with non-dairy ice cream that uses coconut cream as its base.  I even found some pretty yummy non-dairy chocolate chips to go on top.  And I have a very comfy bench under a willow tree by the water in the sunshine just waiting for him.  He still loves to talk story.

I saw an interesting video yesterday where a woman interviewed several adults about how they feel when they eat chocolate and then asked the same question of a few children.  The adults said things like "guilty", "like I'll have to go for a run after work now", "like I'm numb", or "I just don't eat it".  But oh from the mouths of babes... The children said, "happy", "grateful", and "good".  I think someone should come up with the "Eat Like A Child" diet.  

I wish you all a happy, grateful, good memory filled food day today.:)

Your Very Flesh Shall Be A Great Poem

Roni Delmonico

This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.
— Walt Whitman

Writers don't often talk about how much we like when you interact on our posts... fearing it will seem too needy and vulnerable, I suppose.  But isn't that the point of sharing? To reach out to the universe and say... Here I am, I have something to say.  Please hear me and respond? Otherwise, I could be simply writing in my journal, closing it up, putting it in my nightstand and calling it a day.  I value your comments and interaction so much. Those of you who take the time, are a treasure to me as a public writer.  Some of you have taken to sending private messages rather than commenting publicly and that's ok too.  You know how deeply I understand that, after the events of the past year and a half of my life. (For those of you new to my website, for a large part of 2013, we dealt with the aftermath of an online hacker who disrupted our personal and financial lives and my emotional life for the better part of a year).  I can't tell you how many times I have sat right here at my computer where I do the bulk of my work, smiling at your humor, leaning into your tenderness, listening to your incredibly intelligent thoughts, accepting your best advice, looking at your beautiful photographs, reading your encouraging notes, and sometimes...depending on your massively strong shoulders.  There are some of you who have journeyed with me more than five years now.  I have laughed, cried and bled with you and that emotional support is beyond priceless to me.  

Opening up my heart and mind, along with my art out into the cyber world opens the door to some measure of risk and criticism too. But it is a risk I am still willing to take, albeit these days on a much smaller and quieter scale that works best for me.  (I read this week somewhere that it is best to put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help others with theirs. Truth!)  I believe we change each other just by bumping up against each other and you can't really do that unless you put yourself out there, right? I am constantly amazed by the shades of beauty I see in all of you.. whether you are communicating with me publicly or choosing to reach out through more private channels. So often I sit here at this computer and listen to your hearts that spill out through your pictures and words and think wow.. I never really thought of it that way...  It doesn't really matter if you're an artist who has 25,000 followers or one who has 50.  You share bits and pieces of your own lives with me that make me smile, shed tears, and feel connected, whether you have a big online presence or a small one.  That is such a beautiful, beautiful thing for which I will never find adequate words of appreciation.  I benefit so much from recognizing the value in our different perspectives.  

Most of you know by now that I am a photographer and writer who loves all things artistic. Those pursuits require long hours of shooting with repetitive motion using heavy camera equipment and then even longer hours editing at the computer.  Toward the end of 2012, I began to struggle with some deeper health issues after decades of crappy eating habits (arthritis and the pre stages of type 2 diabetes).  All of that crashed down on me in early 2013, manifesting as chronic pain, weight gain, and pretty serious depression I had trouble admitting even to myself. Cap that off with surgery and a long hard winter and my body, mind and spirit were at an all time low, yet I was still trying to operate my online life as if everything was fine and it was business as usual. After a particularly painful falling out with a friend and potential business partner, I withdrew from nearly everything and everyone that had previously given me joy and closed in on myself for quite awhile.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but it was probably my "rock bottom."  At some point I realized that I had two choices... drown... or swim like hell for all I was worth.  It didn't happen overnight, by any means, but I started small.. treading water until I finally made up my mind to swim.  

Though we are all so different from each other ... deliciously different, I think we can find comfort and commonality simply by walking with each other for awhile and listening.  We can't always do that in person but we can surely do that via whatever channels work best for us.  This little corner, is mine for now... and I am so grateful for those of you who regularly tune in and interact with me.  That has come to mean a whole lot to me.   I've felt the sting of both judgement and criticism in the past, but I learned that so often, the things that bother me most in others... are the areas where I most need work myself.

So often I think we feel change isn't real change unless it is massive and moves mountains. But I loved this quote so much and it has been my mantra for many months now.  "Commit to the daily pressure that compels infinitesimal progress over time."  When you're 20, you feel invincible.  When you're approaching 50 and beyond, you begin to recognize that your physical, mental and spiritual health require long term commitment and is something to be protected and nurtured, if you want to continue to live an active, loving, purpose driven, abundantly joy filled life.  My health is bound pretty tightly to my creativity and I am making infinitesimal progress over time.  Thank you, for spending some of your valuable time here with me.

It has definitely been a year of re-examination and of challenging everything I've ever been taught in school, in church and in books and in dismissing what insults my soul. And it continues to be my prayer that beyond my words, the silent lines are the ones that speak the loudest.

The Hum of Sunshine and Summertime

Roni Delmonico

I've spent a lot of time this year cultivating stillness.  That seems like it should be such a simple thing but in our fast paced society where noise comes at you from every direction... kids, husband, wife, well meaning friends, boss, texts, emails, tablets, television, overfull calendars, phone ringing, heavy machinery, traffic, social media... true stillness is exceedingly hard to come by.  We're so mobile now, that noise follows us everywhere.. if we let it.  If you were to close your eyes, chances are, you would hear and feel all of that at once, just like I do. Those things, combined with poor food choices and lack of restful sleep, are seriously affecting our quality of life today. Finding stillness is more important than it's ever been, it needs as much attention as your muscles do, and in my opinion, it requires unplugging from time to time.

Before this year, I thought I was a relatively quiet person  but I am learning that internally... the noise had reached such epic proportions, that I couldn't even hear myself anymore.  My body, mind and spirit were breaking down and refusing to work properly until I paid attention to all three... my person as a whole.  What a journey it has been so far and how deeply grateful I am for it.  There is a lot I missed, by refusing to slow down and breathe deep, embracing that quiet and internalizing it.  I don't want to miss it anymore.  All of this... all these beautiful images I share of my world as I see it right now.. is the record of a journey that is healing me.. one click at a time.  It is my poetry, it is my mantra, it is my medicine, and in the end, it will be my best interpretation of what Roni Delmonico did, saw, felt and cared about while she was here.

The more you love your own decisions, the less you need others to love them.

What Really Counts

Roni Delmonico

Last night we had the most beautiful thunderstorms all night long.  I've always loved them but there was a furry little critter vibrating beside me, shaking in fear with every crack.  I wish I could instill my love for them into her so it wouldn't feel scary to her.  Instead, I just fold her in and keep her close and help her to ride it out.  As I listen to my kids get ready for school this morning, I recognize that this is one of the beauties of being connected to family.  It's a safe place always... to ride out any storm.  

We didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but I still find myself smiling.  She wakes up like sunshine every morning, no matter how bad the night has been.  I could learn a thing or two from that.:)  She has her own gallery... did you know?  It's right....  here.  Good morning, Sunshine!  

A person can learn a lot from a dog .... about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. ...to appreciate the simple things - a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight - and about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.

A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote that column ... I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners, and pure intentions to help us see.
— John Grogan


Your Ultimate Power

Roni Delmonico

I'm kinda nuts about the gift of one flower.  I think it originated in the grubby little hands of my oldest son, who always seemed to delight in pulling them out one at a time, with the hairy roots dropping clods of dirt on my floor as he presented his gift with an innocent smile. Eventually, I taught him that those flowers are best left in the ground where they can continue to flourish, but his heart was in such a sweet place, and I chose my words carefully so I wouldn't crush that spirit of giving in him. To this day, he knows how to give the simplest gifts, with the most profound impact. When I am practicing visualization, imagining the best in myself and in those around me, I often end up surrounded by flowers and my children. Beauty and innocence. Kind intentions and simplicity.  I believe firmly in the power of simple words. Words can heal.  Words can tear down and destroy.  Words will repair or words will unhinge. Never, ever is this more true, then when you are alone, when no one else is in the room... and you are using them on yourself.  If I could give you one gift this weekend, if I could give myself one too... it would be this: words of love, words of healing, kindness, joy, faith, peace, patience, gentleness, self control, forgiveness, and hope... for yourself most of all.  And you know what?.. I can.

So I do.  

Choose them wisely.

More Delight, Than Fifty Common Years

Roni Delmonico

I held my arms out to him without a word and wrapped his silence around me, carefully smoothing the folds that were closest to my heart.  And when he left, I dried each tear with the edge of my own silence... until there was only music. - Isabel

Thank you for reminding me, John {Keats}...   How I love your romantic heart.

God Hears Amen Wherever We Are

Roni Delmonico

It occurs to me this morning that we say goodbye to them in small ways. In much the same way that we said hello. 

We let go of their tiny hands when they head into that pre-school for the first time and we sit outside in the parking lot counting minutes until we can take them home.

Then we take them to kindergarden and we let them go again.. another small move toward a larger experience.

We watch as they create their first painting, read their first word, take their first small step.

And every one of those small moments gets stored up in our hearts in a big way.

When he was small, he'd get up with his dad, eat breakfast and watch Sesame Street in the small hours of the morning.

It was just the three of us at the time… such a small family but full of contentment.

He would crawl into bed with me and his small hand would steal into mine, as he read Shel Silverstein poems to me in that little voice that sounded just like Mickey Mouse.

When he was small his dad would carry him on his shoulders, but now.. he carries him on his heart.

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you....

I cherish every one of those small moments that adds up to who he is today.  To the world, he is all grown up now.  But to his mother, he is still a small boy...

Large... full of love and life.  That's no small thing.

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