Because I Knew You

The Finale - No One Would Listen

No  movie score series would be complete without a nod to two of my favorites on Broadway... The Phantom of the Opera and Wicked, The Musical. (I know Wicked is not on film yet, but a girl can dream.) In my opinion, the similarities run pretty deep in some respects, and it would of course, be impossible to tell either story, without the music that accompanies each. The song I'm sharing to give life to this image though... is one that was ultimately deleted from the final cut for the movie version of Phantom.  It's actually one of my favorites.  Perhaps you've never heard it...

Then, at last, a voice in the gloom
Seemed to cry “I hear you”
I hear your fears
Your torment and your tears

She saw my loneliness
Shared in my emptiness
No one would listen
No one but her
Heard as the outcast hears...
— Phantom of the Opera, deleted scene

It's always a struggle for me to create compelling images in the color green.  I stuck with this one for a long time though, because I knew it was in there somewhere, and I was pretty determined to draw it out.  

I think I'll end the series here for now.  It's been a wonderful creative run and I hope if you happened to pass by here, that you found some life, some beauty, and some peace within the music and the images on this page. 

Life That's Deep and Green - Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It’s time to try
Defying gravity...
— Elphaba, Wicked, the Musical

All You Have To Do... Is Listen

I've been "practicing" photography for about seven years now.  When you find what you are passionate about, it is amazing how you grow without ever realizing that it's even happening.  It becomes like breathing,  and if you take it away... the life goes out of you.  I never can explain to someone who isn't artistically inclined, how it is possible to actually hear an image in your head, but I do.  I try my best to translate that here, but I think it really is just one of those things you have to feel with your own heart.  I imagine this is why the movie August Rush is such a favorite with me.  They did an amazing job encompassing art, film, two totally different kinds of music, story, emotion, and heart all into a very enjoyable two hour time frame.  I mourn when the music is lost and I rejoice, when it is found again.  It resonates way down deep inside of me in all the most important places.  And Something Inside... keeps driving me on.

The things I left behind
Have melted in my mind
And now there’s a purity
Inside of me

I’ve been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind
Would the wind be at my back ?
Could I get you off my mind... this time?
— lyrics by Chris Trapper, August Rush Soundtrack
...only some of us can hear it? Only some of us are listening.
— August and Wizard, August Rush, the movie

What Will Your Verse Be?

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?
— John Keating, Dead Poet's Society

I Still See It All In My Head In Burning Red

Last night I wrote something
While I was asleep
For when I’m awake
It is simply too deep

Van Gogh often said
That he gave up his soul
To his painting and art
Lost his mind down a hole

There are two sides to all
One is dark, one is light
And sometimes it’s war
And a hell of a fight

I don’t always like
When a poem just rhymes
But there’s sometimes a reason
To find order in lines

Theo, his brother
Believed in his skill
He never saw coming
The sickness that kills

I share in his nightmare
I toss in the night
My own younger brother
Gave up the good fight

I still hear the gunshot
Just one to his head
When I toss and I turn
On my own prison bed

I don’t always like
When a poem just rhymes
But there’s sometimes a reason
To find order in lines

You see on the surface
Try seeing below
It’s likely there's something
You simply don’t know

Is there a heaven
Or only a hell
Will I ever know why
Or if God made him well?  

We make it together
Or don’t make it at all
And so tolls the bell
When I hit that old wall

I don’t always like
When a poem just rhymes
But there's sometimes a reason
To find order in lines

When someone is laughing
They mean that, they do
And when someone is crying
Well… they mean that too

The next time you judge
If I’m real or a fake
I’ll hand you my shoe
Walk a mile… piece of cake?

To me, art is more
Than a brush and some paint
It’s the way that I reckon
Both Devil and Saint

I don’t always like
When a poem just rhymes
But there’s sometimes a reason
To find order in lines.

Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Burning red.
— Taylor Swift

Accepting the Mystery

One of the most richly lyrical, romantically poetic, and tragically melancholy movies I have seen in my life was the love story between the famous poet John Keats and the woman who was, I believe... his muse - Frances Lindon, otherwise known as Fanny Brawne.  I've long been fascinated by their story so to both see and hear it intertwined in such an enchanting way on film was truly breathtaking.  The soundtrack remains one of my favorites and the poet, John Keats, as well.

For myself I know not how to express my devotion to so fair a form: I want a brighter word than bright, a fairer word than fair. I almost wish we were butterflies and liv’d but three summer days—three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain. But however selfish I may feel, I am sure I could never act selfishly… Though I could centre my Happiness in you, I cannot expect to engross your heart so entirely—indeed if I thought you felt as much for me as I do for you at this moment I do not think I could restrain myself from seeing you again tomorrow for the delight of one embrace.
— John Keats, letter to Fanny Brawne

Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept mystery.  There is a holiness to the hearts affections....

Baby I Can See Your Halo...

My son, Sean was born five weeks early and was unable to breathe on his own at first.  When they finally laid him in my arms a week later, I thought I would never need another thing in my life as long as I lived.  That private moment in time between us was a gift to me that there are no words for.  None.  If I close my eyes, I can still feel exactly how it felt... like something way way beyond me had entered the world, but contained a little bit of my heart and soul in a tiny fingerprint. It's a holy thing... motherhood.  It really is. A holy, precious, unnameable thing.  I described it to a friend recently like this: It's a little bit like a sunny day, a hurricane, a tornado, an earthquake, a thunderstorm and a tsunami all rolled into one giant event.:). A really passionate symphony that you should probably buckle up for.  

Last night, he conducted his jazz orchestra in front of a crowd for the first time ever and I just sat listening to and watching it all in awe.  It was his original orchestral arrangement of the song Halo, by Beyonce. I think it was such a brave thing for this child who, for the most part prefers not to be in the limelight, to do.  He has grown so much in the last few years and I can only imagine where his life will take him going forward.  What I do know is that, no matter what he chooses to do with his life, he will likely surround himself with music and that's a pretty good metaphor for his life, really.  We've always called it, "the magic of Sean" but I've often wondered if we should have called it "the music of Sean."  It's pretty wonderful, if you have the chance to listen.:) 

In the dark of those quiet nights in that hospital room during the first weeks of his life, when it was just the two of us, I sang to him. With soft beeps constantly sounding off around us, a respirator breathing oxygen into those tiny lungs, and nurses poking and prodding at him until the tears made silent tracks down my cheeks, I played him a soundtrack in a small boombox I brought in and placed in one corner of the room.  I touched his hand through a plastic incubator and I prayed.  Come stop your crying it will be alright... just take my hand, and hold it tight... I will protect you from all around you.  I will be here don't you cry.  

In this week of reviewing movie score after movie score, it isn't hard to choose the one that belongs to us.  Shortly before he was born, Jim and I were visiting the city of Boston and I was getting tired so we stopped at the Copley Plaza Mall to rest and decided to go see the new movie, Tarzan.  I thought at the time that he never stopped kicking me.  But I know now... it was those tiny hands, conducting his future, and dancing his way into my heart... like a symphony.  

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?
We need each other
To have, to hold.
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together...